A PSYCHOLOGIST'S SALVE TO HEAL ELECTION WOUNDS

In the aftermath of the recent presidential election we have been reminded again of how divided we are as a nation. The campaign, the nastiest of my lifetime, left many casualties: all of whom nursing wounds from relationship conflicts in response to the incendiary rhetoric of the candidates.

Our national discourse has been dominated by anger and grievances for as long as I can remember. Though some blame our politicians for this, I don’t believe our politicians are the problem: WE are the problem. Over the past century, the fertile ground from which love and respect should grow has been leached of its nutrients: the recent cohorts of contentious politicians are merely the crops growing from this deficient soil.

As a psychologist I am a witness to the many causes of erosion of our cultural soil. The biggest cause that I see is a growing deficiency in genuine communication. To this point I am in agreement with (gulp!) Glenn Beck, of all people, who, in a recent NY Times op-ed, urged us all “to listen with love, and risk believing in one another.”

To expand on Mr. Beck’s point, it astonishes me how uncomfortable it is for a growing number of people to communicate their feelings directly, in person, to another human being – especially when there is discord between them. With each generation we become better at using the latest technology to create emotional barriers between ourselves and others, making it increasingly easy for us to avoid listening to them. But good communication requires listening, just as much as it requires expression: a lesson psychologists are forced to learn early in our training. It is so much easier to avoid listening to someone when we don’t have to face them: when we can ignore their calls, texts and emails, or simply block them on social media. Without truly listening to others we end up talking AT them instead of talking WITH them, and when we do this we are unable to give them the respect they deserve.

The problems just described have led to the gradual coarsening of our national discourse and to the most divisive presidential election of my lifetime. We have all come away wounded from this election – even those who are celebrating Donald Trump’s victory – because our relationships with friends, co-workers and family members who voted the other way have been damaged.

How can we heal our wounds? I have three suggestions:

First, focus on what you love and support rather than on what you despise and oppose. This attitude is best exemplified by Mother Teresa, who, when asked if she would join an anti-war demonstration during the Vietnam War, famously said: “I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there.” Each day we awaken we get to choose the focus of our attention for that day. If we focus on our anger at the election results – reading articles that validate our ire and writing Facebook screeds that release it – our thoughts and relationships will remain ensnared in vicious cycles of resentment. But instead, if we look to sources of inspiration, reminding us of the love we have for those we care about, our anger will recede to the background of our consciousness, while feelings of love will stand in relief.

Second, improve your communication with those around you, starting with those closest to you, perhaps on Thanksgiving this week. Practice being a better listener. Rather than talking AT people on social media, talk WITH people in person in a way that communicates to them that what they say is important to you. Validate the feelings behind their opinions, even if you don’t agree with the opinions themselves, and explain to others how you can understand why they feel as they do. When people feel that you have listened to them, they will be more inclined to listen to you. You may not immediately convince people to think differently, but your relationships will improve and you will begin to feel better.

Finally, before worrying about changing THE world, try changing YOUR world first. If there is a problem in the world that also exists in your family, try solving that problem first within your family. If you succeed, you will learn valuable lessons on how to solve that problem in the world at large. But if you fail to even solve that problem within your own family, among those you know best, perhaps you should think twice about trying to solve that problem in the world outside your family.