THE SEASONS OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS

Originally Published in Creations Magazine - February, 2015

Most people considered the winter of 2014 – with a seemingly endless supply of snow and sub-freezing temperatures – to be the worst in many years. Though last winter was particularly challenging, some people, it seems, will always complain about the weather. If it isn’t the snow and cold of February, it’s the heat and humidity of July; the deluge of rains in April; or the early darkness of November.

You may recall the 60’s folk song Turn, Turn, Turn, which speaks to the changes of human activity through the seasons. In their adapted rendering of Ecclesiastes of the Bible, the Byrds remind us that there is “a time to plant, a time to reap… a time to laugh, a time to weep… a time to dance, [and] a time to mourn.”

Though Turn, Turn, Turn is mostly remembered as an anti-war ballad, it can also be understood as a blueprint for navigating through the seasons on a psychological level. Each season beckons a different set of personality traits, which is why, as a psychologist, I often recommend to couples that they avoid making major relationship changes (e.g., moving in together, getting engaged, married or divorced) until they consider the decision through four full, consecutive seasons.

All couples need to adapt to the myriad ways they interact during each season. For many people with whom I work, the summer months provide a sense of confidence and energy. For these individuals, the expanded hours of light and warm temperatures motivate them to pursue goals and try new things. Conversely, when these individuals reach the winter months they fret about being slowed by weather (e.g., having to spend extra time to warm up the car or bundle up in heavy coats, gloves and scarves) and feeling abandoned by friends who want to avoid the dark and cold. Depressive symptoms and frustration are common for them as they struggle to find alternative outlets for their energy and ambitions during winter months.

In contrast to these birds of summer are those who thrive in the fall and winter. For these individuals, the slow pace, cool temperatures and expanded hours of darkness offer a reprieve from the demands of activity that are common in the summer months. The cold seasons provide a comfortable backdrop to pursue myriad indoor pastimes without fear of being called a “couch potato.” Cozying up with a James Patterson novel or watching a full season of Game of Thrones is often all that’s necessary for them to be happy on a Friday night in January. When the summer months arrive, however, they are likely to feel overexposed in many ways. They fret about exposing themselves to the sun (and potential sunburn) or being pressured to attend barbeques and family functions. As such, these polar bears are likely to feel anxiety and agitation during the summer months as they struggle to blend into the woodwork and find refuge from the ubiquitous sunlight, heat, and social engagements.

It can take several years to adapt to the patterns of change in your relationship through the seasons. Each person exists at the crossroads of a countless number of intersecting cycles: the calendar’s seasons is just one set of them. Biologically, monthly hormonal cycles (for both women AND men) interact with our daily circadian and ultradian rhythms, affecting our energy, mood and autonomic functions. On a social/intellectual level, our cycles of activity (e.g., going to-and-from work, recreational venues, and family gatherings) bring different aspects of our personality into relief, predisposing us to differing values and emotional responses based on who we are with and what we are doing. For example, many clients with whom I work tend to be more compassionate after attending their weekly meditation or worship service than they are after a hard day of work. Others are more ornery when they know the time is ripe to see their in-laws again.

These are but a small fraction of the known cycles that affect us regularly, and these factors interact with each other across the seasons. As such, there are several times during the year when even the healthiest of couples find themselves out-of-sync. This can manifest physically – with partners having mismatched libidos – or as fluctuations of social and emotional compatibility. Periods of asynchronicity can last anywhere from days to months, but if they last longer than two full seasons, it may be helpful to re-center the relationship in therapy, or by changing schedules.

In closing, it is important to remember that different aspects of our personalities manifest each season and knowing the extent to which you (and your partner) are more oriented toward the summer or winter months is the key to adjusting your relationship effectively. Sometimes, however, during periods of relationship disharmony, simply waiting for the season to change is all that’s required to restore balance. Here it is good to heed the wisdom of the Tao te Ching: “Stir muddy water and it will stay cloudy; leave it alone and it will become clear.”